“How to help my partner with cancer”? This is a frequent question when someone’s partner or spouse has an oncological disease. Cancer affects the relationship among them, and mutual support is important during and after the disease. This post is about how to help the partner when he or she has cancer.
Post updated on 15th december 2025.
My love has cancer
When somebody is diagnosed with cancer, barely every reaction can be considered normal. Incredulity, fear, anger, helplessness, sadness, … But also others like hope and a willing to fight for one’s and both’s wellbeing. Emotions often change within the same day or mix with each other.
If your love has been diagnosed with cancer it is normal that you are worried too. It seems obvious, but many people in this situation think “I have no right to ask for help“, or “I must carry on because he/she, who has cancer, is the priority“. Your suffering is not minor. You have the right to feel fine.
It is fair that you doubt about whether you will be able to help your loved one. Cancer changes everything, and nobody is ready to deal with it when it arrives. Self-image, routines, priorities and needs disrupt. So many different things must be relocated to live this stage and maintaining life as normal as possible.
It is also possible that you notice some pressure from your social environment, that will try you to be “positive”: “Come on, cheer up! Now you need to be strong for the two of you”” or “Don’t get down in the dumps, your spouse needs you now“. These are sentences full of good intentions, but they don’t help. Firstly, because nobody explains you how exactly is this cheer-up done. Secondly, because the one who is struggling with this situation is you, and only you know how hard it is.
One thing is that you feel genuinely fine because you have coping capabilities, or due to your optimistic point of view. But something different is you having to force yourself to feel good just because someone recommended it to you, something that may become a load to add-on yours.
How is relationship affected when one has cancer
With cancer diagnosis or treatment some couples have communication issues. For example, when a member of the couple wants to talk about something, but never saysit because they don’t know how will the other one react. And this way, such issue remains unsolved. This happens with things like what to do with the extended family, decision making or preparation of the future if the treatment doesn’t work.
Spouse is called to be one of the main support sources, for both technical (taking the patient to hospital) and emotional aspects. And how is it done? Learning it. It is not easy for anybody, specially during the first weeks.
It is uncommon that somebody breaks the relationship because their partner has cancer. Nevertheless, when it happens, it is usually the man who leaves his wife, because they don’t know how to deal with the situation or because they don’t accept the way their lives have changed.
Impact of cancer on self-image
A situation that usually impacts on the relationship is the change in self-image, due to cancer or due to treatment. It has been said that cancer changes the way someone sees him/herself. This is so clear in tumors that affect parts of the body that have a key role in femininity (breast cancer) or masculinity (testicle cancer).
Having changes or scars in these -or other- parts drives frequently to reluctance to show the body to the partner. Not only due to the scar, but also due to the feeling of having lost what made him/her attractive. It’s a fear of rejection.
Actually this is unusual: the partner of the patient often accepts this change. But for the patient it’s hard to agree anyway, because what is seen as damaged is not the confidence to the other, but self-image.
How it affects sexual relations
Of course, all this have an impact on sexual relationships. Due to both changes in self-image and effects of treatment, sex can be affected.
60% of woman who have overcome breast cancer experience some kind of sexual dysfunction. This can be due to self-image issues, pain, or physiological, hormonal reasons.
Sex is what makes a couple relationship different from any other kind of relations we have in life.It is important for intimacy and communication, and its impairment, causes frustration in both members.
“Should I be worried about sex when my priority is curing cancer?“. Sex is just as important as you want it to be. It is a part of quality of life and, so, if you are worried about it, you can find a solution.
Cancer doesn’t cause a couple to break up. But it can make visible those problems that were previously hidden.
How to help my partner with cancer
The question “How to help my partner with cancer” can be answered with some general guidelines and, to go more in deep, with a more personalized intervention according to each one’s needs.
If your partner has cancer, here are some things you can do:
- Don’t take over all the responsability on your partner’s healthcare. Ask your environment to help you. Feeling good with yourself is crucial to help another person.
- When you feel overwhelmed, admit it. Your partner doesn’t need a Superman or a Superwoman. They need someone to share their suffering to. Someone who is close to them.
- Allow them to feel the way they want in every moment. If they cry, or get angry, or want to be alone for a while, let them do it. Show yourself available for being close to them when they need it. Listen to them without interruptions.
- Talk openly about what worries you. Tackling a difficult conversation becomes milder when it is disclosed: “We need to talk about something difficult“. Shared concerns are lighter.
- When you don’t know what they need, simply ask them.
- If you have children, share attention to them. Children also need responses, and they need to know they will never be alone. You can find here information about how to talk about cancer with children.
- Filter visitors. Some visitors (friends, family members) can be uncomfortable or in a bad moment. It can be difficult for your partner to tell them “It’s not a good day for visits, you’d better come any other time“. Do it yourself for him/her, after having decided it together.
- Take advantage of all three things that define a couple relationship: confidence, intimacy and commitment. They can be useful to convey the way you help your partner.
- If the situation overwhelms you, you will notice it through an intense, long-lasting unease or a great difficulty in carrying out daily activities. This is a good moment for asking professional help.
Counseling for couples
Counseling for couples can help to solve issues that have increased with cancer within the relationship when these issues exceed what can be considered “reasonable” according to the context. Therapist is a resource to facilitate mutual understanding and communication, and to recover confidence.
The partner of a cancer patient is usually the main caregiver. But being a caregiver is difficult itself, and this can impact the relationship. Some patients complain about over-protection from their partner, or about disagreement on what is more important.
Counseling creates a safe environment that makes possible evaluating problems, comparing points of view and changing what impairs the functioning of the couple.
Leave a question or a comment and I will answer to you. And if you believe this post can help somebody you know, share it!
Leave a Reply