What to say to someone with cancer and what not to say

When we talk to someone who has cancer, we don’t always know what is appropriate to say and what not to say. In general, acting normally is the best solution, especially if there is enough trust. But sometimes we have doubts about the topics to discuss or whether we will make a mistake with a well-intentioned comment. This post discusses what to say to someone with cancer and what not to say.

Post updated on 18th of March 2026

How to support a person with cancer

The news that someone we know has cancer has a big impact on us. Especially if it’s someone close, like a family member or a friend. And although we think we can imagine how they feel, that’s usually not the case. The cancer experience is only known by those who have the disease. So, the one who can better guide us about how to support a person with cancer is this person himself.

The first conversations can be a bit difficult: we don’t know if they will want to talk about cancer or if, on the contrary, they would prefer not to bring up the subject. The doubts about what to say to someone with cancer revolve around this. We are guided by the caution of not doing harm, and this can make it more difficult to find topics of conversation or, even, can lead us to avoid talking to this person.

Sometimes it is the patients themselves who, based on their own experience, explain what to say to someone with cancer and what is better not to say. The post you are reading can give you some general guidelines. But it is important not to forget that, the treatment that people with cancer usually prefer is the usual one. Specially from trusted people.

What to say to someone with cancer

• “I am sorry“: This phrase is valid as long as it’s not said just for the sake of saying it or with an exaggerated expression. If you say you’re sorry, say it because you really are. It’s a good way to express that you understand that they’re going through a difficult time.
• “I am aware of you“: Anyone dealing with cancer knows that in relationships, there are positive surprises (people who unexpectedly come forward and become a source of support) and negative surprises (friends you trusted but who suddenly “disappear”). Letting them know you’re thinking of them will help them reduce their feelings of loneliness.
• “Do you want to talk about that?“: Many people with cancer don’t ask to talk about their illness with their friends, either because they don’t want to make them suffer or because they think it won’t be helpful. If you’re willing to listen to them when they want to talk about difficult topics with you, let them know.
• “If you need anything, let me know“: Maybe they don’t need anything at the moment, but in a couple of days they have to go to the hospital and needs a ride. Or they wants someone to go with htem to buy a wig. These things will make their life easier. Just knowing that they can count on you at a certain moment is already a help.
• “I am having a dinner with friends this weekend. Will you join us? ” A dinner with other people can help them maintain social contact and distract themselves. Moreover, if the patient doesn’t know these friends of yours they may not even know he/she has cancer, and he/she can have a night out without anyone asking them questions.

If you don’t know what to say, there’s no problem in making it clear. “I am sorry, but I don’t know what to say right now“. This phrase can replace an awkward silence.

Furthermore, whenever you find yourself in a difficult situation, of any kind, openly acknowledging that it is a difficult situation makes it seem less so.

You might be also interested in reading: Using humor in cancer

What NOT to say to someone with cancer

Some comments can be unfortunate. Sometimes they are due to an oversight and, at other times, because the person making them just wants to please a morbid curiosity and has put this need ahead of respect for the other.

If you’re afraid of making mistakes when talking to someone with cancer, remember that making mistakes is okay. No one is born knowing how to support someone with cancer, and if you make a mistake, a sincere apology is usually enough.

• “You will surely get through this. If you trust in God, he will have mercy on you “. Here you are promising something that you don’t know if it will be fulfilled. Some people get cured and some don’t, and that doesn’t depend on their beliefs. On the other hand, this statement could only give them hope if the person already believes in God. Otherwise, they may see it as intrusive, or even think that you are putting conditions on them to get cured.
• “Be positive“: There is no handbook on how dealing with cancer. Some people experience it with despair, others with resignation and others as a struggle. All these formulas are equally valid and the person has the right to follow the one that comes from within. Being positive does not work by recommendation, and if the patient forces it it can mean an additional burden of anxiety.
• “So envious, how you’ve lost weight!“: A person is only happy to have lost weight when they have taken a series of steps towards this goal (a diet, physical exercise, etc). But when a person loses weight unintentionally, as a result of cancer or its treatment, it is not a cause for celebration. Changes in physical appearance are a major source of concern.
• “Drink these teas…“: It is the oncologist, together with the patient, who establishes the treatment. And infusions are not part of this treatment because they have no healing power. Some infusions can even reduce the effectiveness of some types of chemotherapy, as has already been demonstrated with chamomile or St. John’s wort.
• “Cancer doesn’t exist. It’s an invention of pharmaceutical companies to make money “: This sentence, in addition to not being true, can also undermine the patient’s trust in the oncologist. And trust is essential to be able to resolve doubts and feel supported. Finally, telling him this at this time will not solve any problem. It will not help him. Not at all.

Reading this post you will surely noticed a difference between what is advisable to say and what is not: the things that are a good idea to say have a form of offer, while those that are not appopiate to say have a form of instruction. It’s a good way to know what to say to someone with cancer and distinguish it from what is less appropriate.

Do you know any more phrases that you think are appropriate -or not- when supporting someone with cancer? Write them in a comment! And if you know someone who needs to know what to say to someone with cancer, share this post.